Up Until Now

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday.

I don’t feel thirty. I hardly look thirty. Yet, I have a lot to be thankful for at my age: loving boyfriend, family, friends, a house, car, cat, and a fairly stable job (as much as one can have one working in the arts).

There are still a lot of things I haven’t done with my life: traveled out of the country, finished my bachelor’s degree , found a better and more stable job. These things may seem small in retrospect and I’ve done fairly well without finishing college, but in order to get further in my career I’ll have to eventually go back and finish what I started. Unfortunately, with only me working full-time I can’t afford to go back to school any time soon.

On another note…at the end of last year my boyfriend and I finally decided to plan and save to travel to Spain in November, using his mother’s time share. Luckily, she’s also offered to pay for his plane ticket so we’ll only have to save for mine, which is AMAZING! Now we don’t have to worry about saving for two plane tickets AND spending money. One more thing to check off the list of stuff to do this year.

This year started with such a shitty kick to the teeth that it’s hard to stay positive sometimes. It’s been hard to stay focused, relax, and not get bogged down by inconsequential things in life. For example, this evening before dinner I had a sudden urge to reorganize and move around furniture in my living room for my birthday party this weekend. Why? Because some how in the back of my mind changing hunks of furniture makes me feel like I have some sort of control over the things in my life. I have rearranged furniture in this living room several times.

Organizing, cleaning, planning, managing; it’s how I cope for all the things that have happened in my life that I can’t control. Usually smoking helps me cope with these anxieties, but lately I haven’t been partaking in any vices since my friend’s death. No coffee, no alcohol, no smoking, no sugars (Update: had a cup of coffee for breakfast and it was totally worth it! A birthday donut from my co-worker, also amazing. I’ll start abstaining again on Sunday… Maybe…) Mostly due to being sick and not wanting to press my luck, but also because I wanted to see if I could. I will probably pick up smoking again since it helps alleviate my migraines and neck/shoulder tension. Trust me, smoking has helped me tremendously in handling my stress levels. I’ve always hated taking too many pills to help stop the pain, and most prescribed medicine for either has never helped me long-term like smoking has. While I was still in college I had carpal tunnel in both hands from going to school full-time, working part-time, doing theatre work on nights and weekends,and in between working at my college newspaper, and commuting from East LA. Popping pills like crazy and trying to eat healthy was just not happening. Smoking was the only thing that kept me from doubling over in pain everyday. I, of course, over extended myself, but I’ve always wedged as much as I could in to my schedule because I never wanted to miss a moment. I don’t do that any more.

Now I’m too old (at least feel too old) to go clubbing, stay up past 2am, and go to a different bar every weekend. Nowadays I prefer to have friends over for dinner, throw potluck parties at the house, have brunch with friends, host craft nights, and spend quality time with my family when I have time off from work. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, but mostly I feel like I’m too tired to please everyone. I have a hard enough time pleasing myself and living up to my own expectations.

Look bitches, just give a girl a call for her birthday, or swing by the house for my party this Saturday and all will be well.

Love moi. ❤

Why did I start this?

There were many small reasons. I do have a preexisting blog that was used for many years, and I felt it needed a new beginning. It also helps that I’m able to export all of my old files to this new format. However, all of the old postings would be considered private. Out with the old and in with the new. Clichés always help to make points quickly.

As the title implies why start here and now? I’ve always loved writing, or more specifically, journaling. I have saved all of my old journals from grade school to high school and college. They are one of the few personal possessions that have survived my nomadic lifestyle. It’s always been painful for me to read through them and relive the small tragedies and comedies life has thrown my way. It is always interesting to find out how emotionally charged and personal my past writings were. Only the online version of my blog was ever really for public viewing, and even then portions were made private to ensure they were written as a personal venting arena and not to be posted to purposely hurt any ones feelings.

That is one thing I have always despised. Using a blog to rip someone to shreds and hurt their feelings. Some people would like to disagree with me on this opinion. Everyone is allowed their opinion, but they must remember it is just that. Your opinion. Not the facts. There were moments in my life I regretted having an online public display of my life, emotions, and failures, but I have to live with them and move on. That is one thing I have strived to do all my life. Move on, and never look back at what could be holding you down. This is also why I move often, and make new friends easily.

Getting older and trying to settle down has made me appreciate my friends and family more and more. I’ve started to reconnect with old friends and attend more family functions, as often as work & life will let me. These changes have also made me want to write more. Occasionally, I will have these intense personal conversations with my boyfriend and some close friends, but they don’t always make me feel fulfilled. Most of the time this is due to me talking too much and pressing people by asking more questions.

Writing these thoughts has helped me collect myself and organize all the reasoning. I’ve always kept a journal, even if it wasn’t posted online. Everytime I sit down I am reminded of my high school English teacher Mr. Welch. He is one of the best teachers I’ve ever had, and he was able to bring the best writing out of me as an apathetic underachiever. He taught me structure through outlining, which to this day I use for work. He taught me that religion and school teachings could be separated while lecturing about Jesus Christ Superstar. He was also the first teacher I had who was an actor and a teacher. This, in my opinion, should be required for every new teacher. Take a theatre class to prepare you for standing in front of a room full of strangers and no student can upstage you, no matter how obnoxious.

Mr. Welch was also the person who taught me what agnostic meant. It was an awakening. How ironic is that? While learning about Jesus Christ Superstar I also realize I’m agnostic! One of the first things we were asked to write about was the last days of Jesus’ life. I had no idea what he was talking about. Growing up in a quasi-Catholic household (By quasi, I mean I was baptized and that is where my religious upbringing began and ended. My father was religious and my mother not so much.) I was in a vacuum of religious information (i.e. Jesus Christ). I knew of religion, but not how it was practiced or the history of it all. I turned in my assignment with one sentence written down.

“I do not know any information regarding the life of Jesus Christ since my family does not go to church or read the Bible.”

I got an “A” and a note asking, “Not even about Jesus hanging on the cross???” Okay, so I didn’t understand the context of the question at the time, but I was honest and still passed. I learned a lot about myself and my writing through his teachings that to this day have helped me improve, I hope, in all that I do with my life.

I guess after all these years of change and growth one thing has always helped me cope: writing. I’ve had episodes of depression, anxiety, and anger management over the years, but only writing has helped me understand myself better. I’ve never trusted or felt comfortable going to a therapist, psychologist, or friends and family to help me. I’m stubborn and proud, to stay the least, but also very sensitive and emotional. I’ve never trusted another human being to understand my deepest darkest demons. It has always seemed odd to me to push that kind of weight on to another person and expect them to give you some kind of enlightening words of wisdom that will make it all go away. Writing has always seemed a meditative source of reflection for me. I always feel calm afterwards, and it has been cathartic to see all of my past adventures in writing to reread and live through those events again.

So, even though you will not be informed of my personal feelings toward very personal situations I hope this will be informative and entertaining. And, I hope this has been cathartic for everyone else as well.

 

P.S. My writing skills do not reflect everything Mr. Welch tried to teach us. 🙂