Up Until Now

Tomorrow is my 30th birthday.

I don’t feel thirty. I hardly look thirty. Yet, I have a lot to be thankful for at my age: loving boyfriend, family, friends, a house, car, cat, and a fairly stable job (as much as one can have one working in the arts).

There are still a lot of things I haven’t done with my life: traveled out of the country, finished my bachelor’s degree , found a better and more stable job. These things may seem small in retrospect and I’ve done fairly well without finishing college, but in order to get further in my career I’ll have to eventually go back and finish what I started. Unfortunately, with only me working full-time I can’t afford to go back to school any time soon.

On another note…at the end of last year my boyfriend and I finally decided to plan and save to travel to Spain in November, using his mother’s time share. Luckily, she’s also offered to pay for his plane ticket so we’ll only have to save for mine, which is AMAZING! Now we don’t have to worry about saving for two plane tickets AND spending money. One more thing to check off the list of stuff to do this year.

This year started with such a shitty kick to the teeth that it’s hard to stay positive sometimes. It’s been hard to stay focused, relax, and not get bogged down by inconsequential things in life. For example, this evening before dinner I had a sudden urge to reorganize and move around furniture in my living room for my birthday party this weekend. Why? Because some how in the back of my mind changing hunks of furniture makes me feel like I have some sort of control over the things in my life. I have rearranged furniture in this living room several times.

Organizing, cleaning, planning, managing; it’s how I cope for all the things that have happened in my life that I can’t control. Usually smoking helps me cope with these anxieties, but lately I haven’t been partaking in any vices since my friend’s death. No coffee, no alcohol, no smoking, no sugars (Update: had a cup of coffee for breakfast and it was totally worth it! A birthday donut from my co-worker, also amazing. I’ll start abstaining again on Sunday… Maybe…) Mostly due to being sick and not wanting to press my luck, but also because I wanted to see if I could. I will probably pick up smoking again since it helps alleviate my migraines and neck/shoulder tension. Trust me, smoking has helped me tremendously in handling my stress levels. I’ve always hated taking too many pills to help stop the pain, and most prescribed medicine for either has never helped me long-term like smoking has. While I was still in college I had carpal tunnel in both hands from going to school full-time, working part-time, doing theatre work on nights and weekends,and in between working at my college newspaper, and commuting from East LA. Popping pills like crazy and trying to eat healthy was just not happening. Smoking was the only thing that kept me from doubling over in pain everyday. I, of course, over extended myself, but I’ve always wedged as much as I could in to my schedule because I never wanted to miss a moment. I don’t do that any more.

Now I’m too old (at least feel too old) to go clubbing, stay up past 2am, and go to a different bar every weekend. Nowadays I prefer to have friends over for dinner, throw potluck parties at the house, have brunch with friends, host craft nights, and spend quality time with my family when I have time off from work. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older, but mostly I feel like I’m too tired to please everyone. I have a hard enough time pleasing myself and living up to my own expectations.

Look bitches, just give a girl a call for her birthday, or swing by the house for my party this Saturday and all will be well.

Love moi. ❤

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Filed under Life, rant

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