Things have gotten complicated. There are lots of things happening.
- Financial Issues
- Life Issues
Which is why I haven’t been staying on task with my musings as much as I would like to. I’ve written have a dozen drafts and published none. I have an almost finished piece on my Bridal Shower but every time I go to finish it, or attempt to publish it, something else gets my attention and I am required to let it sit while I attend to my real world problems.
This blog/journal was an attempt to keep things positive and happy, and possibly introspective. I haven’t been feeling that way lately. We are at the 2 1/2 month mark from the wedding and I’m feeling…lots of things lately. I’ve been fairly productive with small projects, and our bathroom is under minor construction at the moment (FINALLY!), but that also means I have take a shower…for a few days. Yuck.
The most recent moment of note was watching Man of Steel with a group of some of my favorite people. That same day I got a sunburn, a sinus infection from the A/C at the movie theater, and mild food poisoning from the theater coffee as well. Yet, I still considered it the best day I had this past week.
I guess what I’m really trying to say is I feel lost. There are only a handful of people I feel comfortable talking to about some of the more serious issues going on in my life at the moment. I often get this ominous feeling of dread, or anxiety, at very stressful points in my life and not many people can handle being around me, or really want to help or be there for me. I’m a bit abrasive, on purpose or by accident from time to time. It’s one of my most charming traits. Just kidding. However, I still have feelings, and people tend to forget that. They feel they can treat me like what I want, or what I feel isn’t real because I’m just being “crazy” or lately the new nickname is “bridezilla.” That’s just rude.
I also recently realized that I’ve been trying SO hard to be considerate of everyone else all the time and have tried to not be a burden of everyone around me that I’ve walled myself up and just feel like I can no longer trust any of them by default.
When I say, “Wanna come with me to go shoe shopping and have a few drinks?” What I really want is just to spend time with you while being productive. “Wanna come over and play board games?” What I really want is to not talk about the wedding and just enjoy your company. “What’s going on with your wedding?” Cause I’m really tired of talking about mine. A lovely woman who I spoke to about my wedding with joy in my voice a few weeks ago asked me about my wedding the other day and all I could muster was an “Ugh” response. Then I felt horrible for even vocalizing it. It was during a work function and I didn’t want to be distracted, and I was a little stressed in that moment. I tried to be chat with her about other things to avoid having my grumpy side lash out at her by accident. She seemed receptive and the event went well without further ugliness.
I’ve tried so hard to keep my negative side in check for so long that I feel like I’m going to burst with crazy! What helped to deflate the volcanic eruption was a well deserved face-to-face lunch with my Best Friend and Maid of Honor. We get each others grumpy cat alter egos. We’ve had years of practice. We’ve both been on the receiving end of a verbal slap to the face from one another so that we can now help to burst that bubble before it has a chance to do more harm to any one else. However, at the end of yesterday I felt that sense of dread again. It wasn’t because my BF/MOH didn’t help, it was because it was more than just the little things that finally brought me down at the end of the day.
“Aren’t you excited for your big day? It’s coming up soon!” asked an Aunt at my Bridal Shower.
“Yeah, I guess. I’ll be excited when I have nothing else to do, and it’s finally here. And I’m on my honeymoon.” I responded.
It may not be what people want to hear, but it’s the honest truth. What I’d really like is to get back to my real life and have people ask me about that instead.